These Restless Feet

20 September 2013

Xi'an, China

Life is really weird right now. 

I find my self constantly battling with my own paradoxical nature and now that I have no structure in my life (no school, no job) it's even harder to find any order to life. My mind spins at the infinite possibilities of what I could do each day.

There's one side of me that says be sensible; "You really ought to get a job, Aryn. Stay put and make some money and then your dreams will work out later. Hell, maybe you should go back to school and get a master's degree. You're much better at school than this 'real life' thing."

And then there's the other side of me; "Be amazing, Aryn. Don't settle for mediocrity. Being penniless and happy is better than rich and depressed."

But right now I'm caught between these two sides. I've saved enough that I'm secure in my unemployment (for now) but I'm also not going out and creating those adventures that I wanted to pursue because that means spending what few funds I have saved.

I wish I could silence my sensible side but two decades of messages from media, family, and friends have pounded this idea into my head that has been hard to extricate. The idea that life has one path and any deviations are dangerous is so entrenched that it makes me fear being bold and adventurous.

I try to be positive. I think of all the people before me that were poor but passionate and eventually their dreams came to fruition. I remind myself that I'm only 22 years old and that no one has their life figured out at this age. I tell myself that everything will work out in the end.

I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be successful. I deserve to have what ever life I want.

My feet are restless and my soul is craving adventure. I will persevere.

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  1. You will do amazing things. Everyday is a new adventure.

    These two facts are what I repeat to myself daily.

    It's not enough, but its what I have for now.


  2. I TOTALLY know how you feel and what you're going through. We're going through the exact same thing. I just tell myself to stay positive and things will work out whichever way they're supposed to. You will definitely persevere.

    1. Thanks Leia! For the most part I'm staying positive but then there's moments where it's like ugh money, responsibilities, can you not?